Once again, Vicki and Brooks came out on top, looking like the only adults of the group. Tamra looked like a young woman whose boyfriend danced with another girl at the prom. She and Eddie resolved things, thanks to his ability to forgive and reason with Tamra. He seems like the perfect man for her. And come on, did Tamra really think something would happen between Eddie… and Vicki?

And what has Vicki had done, face-wise (besides rubbing it on Eddie’s hand)?! I swear, she looks different, and in a good way. Is that what proper sex can do to a person? Could have saved her a lot of money spent on Botox…

“Terry is funny; he’s part husband, part little brother I never wanted.” Ah, pillow-talk. Remember when I said that Heather Dubrow and Terry Dubrow’s marriage reminded me of Kyle Richards and Maurico Umansky’s marriage? Let me amend that: I think the loving bickering is more like Adrienne Maloof and Paul Nassif. AND Paul and Terry are both plastic surgeons! OH and did you read the real story of how Heather wound up on the show? Apparently, Terry wouldn’t talk to her for weeks until she agreed to join. I have to put my snarky side away to say that I really believe he thought it would be a great experience for her and wanted her to try something outside of her comfort zone. And that will be the LAST nice thing I say in this post!

And WTF with Heather saying she wouldn’t have the ladies to her house because she doesn’t know them very well! It’s not like anyone would get wildly drunk, get with one of the housewives’ sons, or throw a glass of red wine in someone’s face… oh, wait.

Tamra!! I wanted to give her a hug when she started crying at dinner. How cute was Brooks’ wink when he said “apology accepted”? What a Southern gentleman! Was anyone brought back to the dinner in Napa Valley where Vicki sat with Donn, on the same side of the table, and Tamra and Simon sat across from them, acting all perfect ‘n shit. Yes, that was the same episode where Vicki asserted that Donn wasn’t “filling up her love tank.” Well, I bet someone’s gonna fill that love tank tonight… ugh… sorry Michael and Brianna…

Slade tells Roller Skate Barbie Gretchen that he has been asked to do a stand-up comedy routine, and Gretchen is floored, perhaps more so than a supportive girlfriend should be. Well, I think we all have our valid doubts, seeing as the extent of his comedy on the show is calling Vicki “icky.”

How hilarious was hearing the housewives say on the phone to Heather, “Oh, ok, painting, I’m excited!” then say in the interview, “What the fuck’s a painting party?” Clearly, the art scene in the OC isn’t exactly huge. Shocker. The only color these ladies work with is bleach.

Gretchen met Tamra to buy some sex toys, and Tamra expresses how great it is to finally have a raunchy friend! All of a sudden, we are told that blow-jobs cause wrinkles. And thousands of middle-aged women across this great nation are slapping their partners and shouting, “You motherfucker!’

The ladies arrive at the painting party and immediately it’s clear who the prudes are and aren’t. Alexis jokes, to Heather, “Let’s see if you’re still married in 10 years!” Told ya you’d like her!

Old Vicki is back in full swing when Timree, the painting teacher, arrives. Vicki immediately takes offense at her name. “Who names their baby Timree?” Um, maybe the same kind of parent who names her daughter Gretchen. There are a lot of bad names floating around the OC. Foot-in-mouth Vicki is our favorite Vicki!

Old Vicki gets pissed at Tamra for complimenting Gretchen, and rightfully so! She thought she and Tamra were an alliance. Then Old Vicki commiserates with Newly Bitter Alexis. Mark my words: Old Vicki and Newly Bitter Alexis will become best friends. Watch what happens…

“I’m sorry I called your husband a smelly dork!”

Heather does NOT like Terry’s joke that they’ve “had five great, wonderful years of marriage” but that “unfortunately they’ve been married for 12.” I thought it was funny! Someone needs to get Heather “Naked Wasted.”

I don’t blame Slade and Gretchen for tasting revenge after finding out the new found information that Vicki’s new man, Brooks, skipped out on child support. Vicki and Tamra have slandered Slade’s scrupulous stature so shamelessly. Sayonara for now!

Heather told The Orange County Register: “Well, basically, what happened was, I was pitching a show with some of my girlfriends about the fact that we’re opening a restaurant together. And through our travels, I met with Evolution (the company that produces ‘Real Housewives of Orange County’). I’d actually met with them before. They had called me maybe three or four years ago to be on the show. And I had never watched the show. I met with them and I said, ‘You know, I’m a little concerned. I hear that the girls are really mean on this show. That’s not my kind of thing.’ But I went through the whole casting process. And at the end of the day, they thought I was too New York. And I said, ‘Oh, OK.’

… Anyway, part of my desire to do something creative was doing this restaurant with my friends. My husband and I thought it would be a fun show. So we went and pitched it around town, and got some interest going. And one of the companies was Evolution. They called me soon after and said, ‘Hey we like this show. But also, we’d like you to be on the Housewives.’ And I said no. No, I’ve been told that’s not my kind of thing, and I don’t think so.

But after a lot of conversation, and my husband not speaking to me for two weeks when I said no, which is true, he really wanted me to do it … So we talked about it, and I met with Evolution. And they said, ‘Hey listen, we like your restaurant show, why don’t you introduce it on this show, and see what happens with it?’

So I pitched it to my girlfriends, and we all agreed that this would be a really fun, unique opportunity. So that’s what we did, and they were fabulous about it. I think the audience is going to have a lot of fun seeing me and some of my very best friends trying to break out into this venture of opening a business. Anyway, that’s how I got here. (Laughs.)”

There you have it folks. Looks like Heather just stumbled into the land of the blonde bitches. Can’t wait to see how this season turns out!

Though… if I can be honest… this episode was kind of a snooze, would you agree? Can we cut to the footage of Bethenny and Jason fighting? Oh – woops! What I meant to say was, what a treat it was to see all the wonderful goings-on of Bethenny’s life! Such a buffet of feel-good moments! Isn’t it truly such a joy to see the fruits of good fortune and hard work?! Let’s step inside her shoes, shall we?

The episode starts off with Bethenny’s Skinnygirl Sangria launch party. She looks refreshed and glowing – what a difference a spray tan can make! She seems to have bounds of energy at her Skinnygirl Sangria party and seems to be in good spirits (does she have a reason not to be in good spirits with her Jim Beam mega-millions spirits deal?)

Bethenny asks why all the paparazzi gets so crazy when she gets there. Um, probably because it’s your party, no? She seems to be adjusting to the cameras following her again; she awkwardly tells Jason, “Go meet some girls.”

Everyone asks Bethenny the same questions. “How are you going to manage it all?” “How does it feel to get everything you’ve ever wanted in life?” “Do you want another baby?” OMG. She must get so tired of it! For the 150th time, here are her answers: “I don’t know how I manage but I do, it’s a lot of work, stress, etc., but you can’t wish for anything, everything just falls into your lap when you least expect it, you sacrifice so much, but you get so much in return, I’m so lucky to have gotten husband, baby, and a successful career so late in life, we want another baby but it’s just a conversation, whatever happens happens…” Have I covered everything?

Note: it was sad to see the reporter ask Bethenny if she wants another baby, when just today she announced on the Today show that she had recently suffered a miscarriage. Hang in there, B <3

I loved that Bethenny set up Hoda Kotb and her now-boyfriend and that they have been dating for a year! She could have teamed up with fellow Bravo matchmaker, Patti Stanger,  had Patti not rudely said of Bethenny that “any cow can give birth.”

Hey, also, where were former Real Housewives of New York City besties Ramona Singer and Alex McCord? Ramona Singer told PopEater, of Bethenny’s rumored $120 million Skinnygirl margarita deal, “Oh, no, she likes to exaggerate… It’s rumored, remember? It didn’t say fact. Rumored.” To which Bethenny asserted that maybe Ramona was only a friend to her in the last season of Real Housewives of New York City to win over viewers. I suspect there are still some bad feelings there.

Sidenote: Bethenny says she wants to be a “business person first,” and that she “never wanted to be in gossip magazines.” If she wanted to be a “business person first”, maybe she shouldn’t have signed up for four reality shows. Just sayin’.

Bethenny and Jason are moving from their apartment into a “baller building” because they literally don’t have a “seat for every ass.” Case in point: the intern is working in the hallway. Wouldn’t a temporary solution while you are moving be to rent an office for all these “extra asses?” And while we’re on the topic, what happened to Bethenny’s former hairdresser, Francky L’Official? What happened there? Details, puh-lease.

When Bethenny is talking to new hairstylist Stacy Weinstein about how she is the villain in her relationship, I couldn’t help but wonder what she wants Jason to do differently.

Bethenny meets her good friend Jake for lunch and talks about how she craves alone time. Don’t we all? OMG and did anyone else burst out laughing when Bethenny says, “Jake introduced me to Brooke and Mariette Gomez,” and it cuts to her aside interview with her in a leather jacket and her hair freshly blow-dried like a soccer mom coming out of the new cool hair salon in town?! Who talked her into that look?! We want the real Bethenny back!

Jake and Bethenny’s outside take on church was funny. Suffice to say, I don’t think either will be converting to Christianity any time soon. AND, Bethenny: word to the wise, don’t say a word against your in-laws. Repeat after me: you want to be with them all the time. You don’t have to mean it, but they will see this episode!

Cut to Bethenny in her therapy session. Did anyone catch Bethenny’s army print pants as she sat down? A middle-school girl from 1998 called and she wants her clothes back! I felt a wee bit uncomfortable hearing Bethenny talk about having Jason sign   a pre-nup; some things are best kept private. Of course, please keep some things public, like peeing on a pregnancy stick on camera. I was so relieved when Bethenny looked like she was about to cry and then didn’t. We deserved this break! I’m already exhausted and it’s the first episode.

How funny seeing Lisa Lampanelli right after her Celebrity Apprentice debut the night before. Long live Lisa! Not much to say here. More of Bethenny complaining about how people think Jason is perfect, mixed in with Lisa talking about her husband’s long balls.

How sick is Bethenny and Jason’s new apartment?! Every New Yorker has to be seething with envy seeing that open space. After seeing the apartment, the couple goes out for some champagne to celebrate. Again, it was a little sad to see Bethenny and Jason discussing having a second baby, given her recent miscarriage. Luckily, it turned back to funny when Bethenny said, “If you were shooting diamonds out of your penis, I wouldn’t be having sex five times a week. And I like diamonds.” No shit, Jill Zarin? I mean, Bethenny. It’s starting….

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

I am sorry, but this Elle photo shoot pic looks nothing like Bethenny Frankel. Could be a photoshop mistake or she just looks distorted in black and white, but it really looks nothing like B at age 41. Let’s get realistic here, sister. Anyway, can’t wait for the season premiere of Bethenny Ever After tonight!

• Right off the bat, why is Donald Trump shouting at us when he gets out of the car? It doesn’t seem like the area is too loud.  Also, why is he squinting? Somebody get The Donald some sunglasses, for the love of God!
• LOL at Teresa obviously insisting that her name be read as “ju-dee-chay.” I’m also laughing at how she stacks up against the other contestants. Here are some examples: “Pop icon, Debbie Gibson… Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza, Actress and Grammy winner, Tia Carrere… The funniest woman in America, the queen of mean, Lisa Lampanelli, the original supermodel, Cheryl Tiegs… American Idol super star, Clay Aiken………………………….. New Jersey’s favorite housewife, Teresa Giudice.” Isn’t it funny that one of the Celebrity Apprentice’s biggest billing contestants, among all the talent in the cast, is a Real Housewives of New Jersey star?
• Teresa’s first lines of the show are “If you attack me, I’ll attack you right back.” This is a slight deviation to her quote on Real Housewives of New Jersey, when she said, “You wanna fuck wit me? I’ll fuck right back witchu, bitch.” Guess she wanted to class herself up for prime-time TV? Also she calls herself a “fiesty Italian.” Did anyone know she was Italian? And of course she suggests an Italian team name. Does her world not extend past Real Housewives?
• What is with the band playing as Donald walks out? Was this his idea? The empty auditorium behind the contestants really freaks me out when the music starts playing.
• I was so excited to see that Victoria Gotti was a contestant! I have been entranced by her since the Growing Up Gotti days, and even locked eyes with her son, Carmine Agnello, at a bar one fateful evening. But how dare she use her Apprentice time for personal calls?!
• Ok, I’m already confused. Man vs. woman? Doesn’t he mean “men versus women?” Also, aren’t they all competing independently? Also, what qualifications do these contestants have to have? What is the premise of the show?!
• The scrolling NYC landscape views seem a little dated. Was anyone else conjuring up images of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York?
• Paul Teutul, Sr. seems like a bonafide bad ass, and I want to know more. In a world of suits, he who rocks a jean-on-jean ensemble is king.
• Dee Snider – I’m just not sure that’s a good look for you. Also, fuck you very much for making that movie Strangeland, which I inadvertently watched in middle school and which left me with a fear of needles ever since.
• Victoria Gotti looks all around pissed off all the time, without contributing any ideas.
• Bahaha, Aubrey O’Day is pissed of that no one considers her a recognizable face, despite having the most Twitter followers of anyone in the group. Girl, I saw you open for a concert, and I still had to Google your ass. Someone needs to get her ego in check; has she seen her hair in natural sunlight?
• With a baseball hat on, Cheryl Tiegs could easily be your average Walmart-frequenting Midwestern mom.
• George Takei is 74 years old, so let’s just cut him some slack, ok? He’s moving quicker than my 20-year-old something cohorts would, anyway. Or maybe just me. And his admiration of Lou Ferrigno’s body was hilarious!
• Wyclef Jean is so sweet for showing up, as is my boy, Andy Cohen.
• I seriously felt like crying when George Takei talked about his life growing up in internment camps and I appreciated Donald noting George’s positive effect on the gay rights movement.
• Ok, I’m getting bored. Dispense with the meticulous examination of the competition! If someone doesn’t flip a table or call someone an alcoholic soon, I’m gonna really lose it! Donald is like a gossiping high-school girl wanting every detail.
• I see now… whichever team loses has to kick someone off. Thank God it’s not my George! Cheryl seemed like a sweet gal, but didn’t seem to have the cut-throat energy needed for the competition. All I have to say is these bitches better bring it next week…

(Photo via On The Red Carpet)

Alexis and Peggy are cordial and say hello to one another. Peggy confirms that Alexis did text her recently to ask about Peggy’s daughter, who had broken her arm. That seems very big of her, especially given the reasons for her fall-out with Peggy. I might’ve broken Peggy’s arm! (Half) kidding! Alexis tells Peggy that she has a metal rod in her leg. When Peggy expresses surprise, Alexis quips, ”There’s a lot we didn’t know about each other in four years.” Uh – clearly. Like you both did the same guy.

For some reason, this year I am siding with Alexis on things. Peggy is coming off bitter and keeps harping on the Alexis issue. If that was her only connection to the show, I don’t blame her for not coming back full-time this season. Alexis just plain looks better this season – on all fronts.

And woah, woah, woah. Who saw Sarah in the kitchen getting chummy with Peggy? Isn’t she Alexis’ good friend? I have my suspicions.

When Sarah is telling her story of how she got informally engaged, Heather interrupts with, “No honey, you know what he needs to newt? He needs to buy a ring.”  That, right there, my friends, says it all: her penchant for getting tongue-tied and her materialistic leanings. She has more in common with this pack of blondes than she’d like to think. Then she repeats the joke that marrying a plastic surgeon was an investment in her future. If this is her only line this season, she can just pack her bags right now.

Tamra just has to make  things awkward by accusing Gretchen of having her lips done. First she accuses Vicki of serving them Fritos, then this. Put a sock in it, girl! But then Gretchen calls Tamra trailer trash in her interview. So… let’s just see where this whole thing ends up, shall we?

The crawfish in the trash bag on the table appeared absolutely disgusting, especially right after the discussion of having fat sucked out “right onto the table.” Vicki tells everyone to have dessert and then, kind of rudely, to get out, because it’s a “school night.” Something’s up with Vic. Dare I suggest the oysters just kicked in and her Southern gentleman caller was waiting upstairs? And doesn’t she look different to you? Darker hair? Her face looked noticeably more taut or just… different.

Alexis entertains us with her tricks for staying skinny and Peggy looks bitter, harping on an old story about Alexis pouring ketchup on her food. I imagine this is the same chief complaint that might happen at a lunch table in the fourth grade. Give it up, girl, or at least start conflict with someone else, for our own entertainment! When Alexis declined to talk to Peggy at the party but said she would be happy to meet with her another time, she really came off looking like the bigger person. Dare I say it… Jesus Barbie is looking like the voice of reason this season.

Peggy says she was scared to come talk to Alexis because “who knows what Jim might have done?” because “he was investigated by the FBI.” Girl, this ain’t Real Housewives of New Jersey; no one believes that.

I also think we need to stop judging Alexis for forgiving Jim for lying to her about his past relationship with Peggy. That’s private between them, and good on them for being able to move past the incident.

Heather’s family is adorable and their house is GIGANTIC! They have an elevator?! Did you see their staircase?! Did you see her CLOSET?! And theater room?! I think she is the richest OC housewife ever. She jokes about how she sometimes feels like the only Jewish brunette in a sea of shiksa blondes, and becomes more endearing because of her self-aware jokes. Her husband seems amicable and sweet;  their chummy relationship reminds me of Mauricio Umansky and Kyle Richards’ relationship.

Gretchen looks like she’s trying to pick a fight with Heather once she complains about Heather calling her “cute” a few times the night before. To me, it didn’t seem like she was saying it in a degrading manner, but apparently Gretchen felt otherwise. Slade quips that Heather must be in her forties and jealous of the way young Gretchen looks. How old are you again, Slade? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

The blurb with Alexis getting her makeup done was interesting when she noted how fierce the competition in the OC is. I don’t know that I could really live there, even though I would love to, weather-and-lifestyle-wise. I like TV and, um, laying down too much to get made up like a bride for a trip to the store.

AND SPEAKING OF MAKEUP: THE MOMENT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR… GRETCHEN WITH (ALMOST?) NO MAKEUP ON! Guys, I have literally been waiting for this moment since the first time she appeared on the show. Her makeup is always impeccable and, unlike many of the other housewives on occasion, has never appeared on the show without a full face of makeup. Her skin looked good, but she did look almost unrecognizable without her eye makeup and false lashes and, when she put her face on for the breast cancer photo shoot, I breathed a sigh of relief, much like a baby might when his or her mom takes off her Halloween wig and shows her him or her that she is really “Mom.”

HOLY AWKWARDNESS, the Catalina trip! It started off nice enough in the limo. Brooks seems like a great guy, as does Eddie, and it appears both Vicki and Tamra have finally met their perfect matches. Vicki seems so calm and content, basking in Brooks’ love. The card a day thing seems a bit excessive, but to each his own. I’ll say it again: Vicki’s different. She’s definitely more mellow and seems kinda… tired. Or maybe that’s just mellow for someone who wakes up every morning with a “WOO-HOO!”

The boat trip was SO AWKWARD. Eddie and Vicki joke a little and she kisses his hand. Not to be outdone, a jealous and intoxicated Tamra takes Brooks hand and puts it on her boob. Housewife say what? Eddie is pissed, and Tamra is pissed at him for being pissed. Vicki and Brooks exchange each other wide-eyed, “Can you believe these two? Let’s talk about it when were alone” looks. Walking off the boat, Eddie and Tamra seem like hormonal fighting teenagers and Vicki and Brooks look years wiser and more adult.

Honestly, I do feel bad for Tamra, maybe because I relate to her personality. She was drunk, she got momentarily jealous, and just did an outrageous thing in the spur of the moment. I don’t think she felt any attraction towards Brooks and you know she just felt terrible after it afterwards. It wasn’t a character-defining incident and I’m sure everyone will be able to move past it.

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

This episode opens with Gretchen getting primped up like a beauty pageant queen for a casual lunch by the beach. The catch? She’s meeting with her nemesis: Tamra. Slade’s whining about not being invited to lunch with Gretchen would be perfect fodder for Tamra and Vicki to lament his lack of a career and attachment to Gretchen, if they were not competing so hard to look like the bigger person this year. Did you see the rose petals casually on the bathroom floor of Gretchen’s bathroom? On Watch What Happens Live, Gretchen swears she can’t remember what the petals were doing there.  Is their sex life really that good?

…Or does it look like Jim Bellino just gave birth to the twins, instead of Alexis?

(Photo via Reality Tea)

Anyway, there’s a scene when Christina Applegate’s character, Sue Ellen, gets an interview at a clothing company for which she is totally unqualified, and the secretary, Carolyn, gives her a major attitude. An executive, Rose, asks Sue Ellen where Carolyn is, and Sue Ellen responds, “Mouse brown hair, gives you a headache? Talks like she’s chewing her face?” and Rose says, “That’s her.”

I mean…

(Photo via BackSeat Cuddler)

… Or does Vicki Gunvalson’s new boyfriend, Brooks Ayers, look exactly like Danielle Staub’s ex-boyfriend, Steve Zalewski, with whom she made that infamous sex tape? You decide.

(Photos via LynnNChicago and Reality Tea)