This week was a relatively boring calm and upbeat episode: Slade goes engagement ring shopping for Gretchen, Gretchen confesses that she’s not ready to get married, Alexis and Jim throw a beautiful birthday party for their twins (aha! Bravo showing a good family moment, Jimbo. What has your blog got to say about that?!), Tamra has Simon’s name tattoo removed from her finger and Eddie is delighted. All good things… until Vicki pays Briana a visit, and Briana gets real about her feelings on Brooks. Check out my favorite scenes from this week’s episode!

Alexis is planning for a “Princess and Puppy” party for her four-year-old twins. Please let this not be another $50,000 child’s birthday party; we cannot afford it! This is the least amount of makeup I’ve ever seen on Alexis. Then it all made sense: she’s getting a spray tan. A-duh!

Heather is so refreshingly New York. Black clothes, flats. Love.

What about Slade’s talk with Gretchen’s dad made him think that it was a good idea to propose? And I loved when Slade said that “to him,” an engagement ring was more than a piece of jewelry – it was a commitment. “To you?” News flash: it represents that to everyone, fool! And an imitation stone? It’s a sweet thought. Bone-headed, but sweet. I think proposing without the ring would be better than having to tell someone the stone isn’t real.

The name tattoo on the finger not only sucks that they’re now divorced, but it’s really freaking ugly.

It’s my policy not to discuss bathroom humor on Real Housewives; but, I must say, Tamra’s joke that Simon was still a pain in her ass was pretty funny.

I wonder if the producers of Real Housewives purposefully set the shows at 9 and 10 p.m., way after dinner, because there is so much stomach-churning plastic surgery featured.

I’m glad that Vicki would be fine walking Briana down the aisle with Donn; it shows that they are both mature enough to put the kids first and can tolerate one another for special days. I can’t see many of the Real Housewives having that kind of relationship with their ex-housewives. (LOL right? picture Camille and Kelsey Grammer giving one of their kids away. Aw, sad.)

AND I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little excited that Vicki was so curious as to whether or not Donn was engaged. A little part of me still holds out hope for those two! I love Donn. But I also really like Brooks. Goddamn it. Why do they do this to us?

Of course the girls need makeup. A naked 4-year-old’s face is not only displeasing and unsettling, it’s offensive. Thank God for the purple/pink eyeshadow!

Side note: I’ve never known anyone to use “homemade” as a verb before, but I learn something new from Alexis every day.

Gretchen comes over to talk marriage; specifically, about how she’s not sure she wants to marry Slade because of his financial issues. Heather manages the Slade/Gretchen marriage issue very well; she doesn’t tell her about going to pick out rings with Slade, but alludes to the fact that he’s thinking along a different path.

How gorgeous does Heather look in this this scene, by the way?

Alexis says she hired princesses by googling “princesses in the Orange County area.” Uh, that would be a huge list. Basically all the mothers and daughters in that area code, amIright,OC?

Alexis says the girls have never had a formal birthday party until now because kids don’t start remembering things until that age, anyway. Translation: I ain’t shelling out thousands of dollars for you kids not to remember this in years to come! Then she goes way into detail about how she almost died by giving birth to the twins and the kids are all, “Come again?”

It was cute Jim bringing the princesses down together; all that was missing was Jim presenting a ring to each of the girls, and this could have been a purity ball! Just kidding. The puppies are the best part of this party for me; I was swooning! But I’m sure all the parents loved the fact that Alexis said all the puppies were available for adoption, so the kids should work on their parents! That was great. The carriage taking the girls off was straight outta a My Super Sweet Sixteen episode. Have fun with their weddings, guys! Ca-ching!

Aw, Tam! Eddie seems to be one of the last good ones. He seemed so happy to see that Tamra took Simon’s name off her finger, even though the stiches were disgusting. Better than his name, though!

The talk between Vicki and Briana was so awkward. Briana was sounding hypocritical by saying Vicki was rushing into her relationship, given her quickie marriage to Ryan, but I don’t think the two situations are the same. However, Briana doesn’t have to like Brooks, but she does have to respect him as her mother’s partner. Brooks doesn’t have to impress Mike and Briana. From what I saw, he was nothing but nice and friendly and open to them, and that’s all he has to be. The bickering between Vicki and Briana was starting to sound like bickering between sisters, and I think they both need to remember their roles in the relationship. From Vicki’s blogs, it sounds like things are better with Brooks and her kids, so mazel!

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

On this episode of Bethenny Ever After, Bethenny finally goes to Aspen for her much-anticipated White Cranberry Cosmo launch party. Julie is MIA, as she is suffering from Skinnygirl Senioritis, and Jason is still debating whether or not he wants to come work for with Bethenny. Check out my favorite scenes from this week’s episode!

B shows us she’s still the same chick, $120 million later. She ain’t one to be swindled.

Bethenny gives Jason a Mac Book Pro with the caveat that he has to come work for with her. Jason hesitates, and B immediately rescinds the offer – of the laptop. Dr. Amador tells Bethenny she’s being bossy and controlling, and, for once, she listens and tries to take his advice.

Yawn. The Skinnygirl team is going to Aspen for some cosmo launch whatever thing. Julie’s like, “Have a nice time, fuckers!”

Bethenny takes Julie out to lunch for the first time in five years, and they discuss Julie’s departure. Julie has to hide her ear-to-ear grin as she talks about leaving. I wonder if she has a job lined up in Pittsburgh. Julie tells Bethenny she has a bitchy side to her, and Bethenny waxes nostalgic about their time together. Here come the tears! After a reprieve from last week (I think), Bethenny wanted to remind us about what her crying face looked like. So noted. Scrunchy and sniffly.

Bethenny says that her tough childhood made her very resilient and easily adaptable to change. Er, really? It doesn’t look that way to me.

Bethenny pronounces “Aspen” like a suburban teenager smoking her first cigarette in the mirror. “Asss….pen” (slow exhale). “I love Asss…pen.”

Bethenny and co. show up to the Skinnygirl White Cranberry Cosmo launch party. As someone who hates sweet drinks and especially hates Cosmos, I would have to say, “No thanks,” but, to be fair, I’ve never tried it. I actually like the taste of the Skinnygirl Margarita, but did they ever solve that carcinogenic issue?

Bethenny asks Jackie point-blank what she likes about being her assistant. Nothing like being put on the spot! Jackie sputters out that she likes how she gets to drink on the job and gets taken on vacations. Can’t blame her for that!

Eek, I hate watching B flirt! It’s like your mom trying to use hip new words. Please no! Gotta girl the girl props for her snowboarding abilities, though.

Jason comes, and the arguing/passive-aggressive teasing is immediate. Bethenny says she wants to go have some “apres ski” snacks and Jason teases her, and the cheekbones come out in full force. Jason tells Bethenny she is a cougar, and she tells him he has a banging ball sack.

Matt Hesse comes, for no apparent reason other than to hang out. The boys think that Matt is Bethenny’s husband. Perfect. Make Jason more suspicious.  This is a recipe for disaster.

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

This week, we deal with the fallout from the Summer Solstice party. Kathy hosts a barbecue, where no one shows up, save for the Gorgas and Giudices, and Teresa and Joe come head-to-head. Caroline gets a Jag and a special night alone with her hubby in the apartment at the Brownstone, and Jacqueline finds herself missing Ashlee for some crazy reason. Check out my favorite scenes from this week’s episode!

Caroline seemes to be a little too invested in this fight between the Giudices and the Gorgas. Enough anger towards Teresa; let’s hear about your fight with Dina and the other mysterious sibling you don’t talk to! Let’s all hear more about your family’s alleged connection to the mob. And you thought we had forgotten!

Ok – seriously, Joe? You have to take a “big dumper”?! This is too much reality – can we acknowledge the cameras are there to capture every word?

I love that Teresa called the Solstice party a “soul cyst” party. Maybe that’s what she’s suffering from? Burn. Kidding!

Damn Joe, with the insults! Melissa’s a “horse face”? He called my beloved Rosie a “butchie boy”?! And Rich a “frog”? Okay, that last one I could see. But don’t you ever… EVER… talk about my Rosie that way! Not on my watch, boy.

Joe said he knows “so many guys who went with her.” Maybe Melissa had boyfriends before she was married. Not a huge scandal. Not all of us were virgins until age 27. Allegedly…

I do feel like everyone is ganging up on Teresa and I feel bad for her. But they’re ganging up on her for good reason. Girl needs to chill.

Nice play by Jacqueline wearing the Skinny Italian tee-shirt. Switzerland…

This ditz personal trainer, Jolene, is the one who had a spat with Rosie at the Summer Solstice party, and for that, I hate her. Jolene arrives and is inexplicably dropped off by a cab, has an open bottle of wine in her bag, seems hungover, her pants are inside out, and the girl seems just a few IQ points behind the norm.

The first thing I thought when I saw Christopher testing out the Jag was: aren’t Jaguars like old people cars? It made sense when they gave it to Caroline. KIDDING! That’s a ridic expensive anniversary gift, but if Mama Manzo ain’t worth it, I don’t know who is.

Poor Kathy – the kid’s friends are no-shows, as are the Manzo/Laurita families. How embarrassing!

And, really, Rich? You think anyone at the high school doesn’t know that the Wakiles are related to Teresa? That’s the whole reason you’re on the show, FOOL!

Jacqueline’s sister, Mary, looks like she is Ashlee’s age. Christ, Jacqueline and Ashlee’s relationship is difficult.

Teresa’s kids are such little divas wherever they go and they are truly the most entertaining kids on the show or, actually, in life. They seriously sparkle.

Rosie is so awesome belly-flopping into the pool. That’s a down-home kinda chick.

THANK YOU for not talking about your sex life, Caroline. With certain other cast members talking about staining their pants, a little modesty is refreshing.

Caroline seriously has the best skin of any of the Real Housewives on any season. Clearly, she has kept her fair peaches and cream complexion out of the sun and it has boded well for her.

Richie really hit the nail on the head, when he said Teresa didn’t think of Melissa and her kids as her family. She has to accept it some time.

I get why Teresa feels offended by Joe telling Melissa that Teresa called her a gold-digger, but it’s Joe’s prerogative to tell his wife whatever he wants, especially given the current status of their relationship.

Why would Gia hate Melissa when she met her? It looks like Gia was three or four at Melissa’s wedding; could Teresa be exaggerating or, dare I say, making it up? I don’t remember hating anyone at that age. Besides anyone who ever told me no. And Melissa does seem to be a good aunt. As Teresa is saying she’s not a good aunt, Melissa is picking up Audriana and cuddling her.

I love that Teresa is wearing the “love” necklace, during all these conversations. Talk about mind games.

Melissa is being extremely calm and supportive; I don’t think she could handle the situation any better than she already is. I really think that Teresa and Joe have to stop talking about a better relationship and just have one. They need to stop bashing each other’s partners and make a concerted effort to hang out and get along. Must I solve all their problems?

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

(Video via YouTube)

(Photo via Facebook – Alex McCord’s, to be exact)

I have to say, I am loving this season of Real Housewives of Orange County and I think it’s their best one yet. New alliances and friendships do that, as do new beaus (which are frequent on this franchise). This week was a wine and cheese party for Vicki and Tamra’s new venture, Wines by Wives, but all the whining was done by Vicki’s kids, Michael and Briana, who don’t approve of Brooks. P.S. Alexis was fun tonight on Watch What Happens Live, wasn’t she? Take a look at my favorite scenes from this week’s episode!

Tamra’s boobs look really good at their new size, and make her look so much thinner. Big fake boobs are officially over (you hear me, Big Ang?). Tamra just brings up Briana’s marriage casually, but Vicki really seems to be coping well. I understand Vicki’s hurt and anger, but I also understand that Briana is an adult, and she doesn’t “owe” her mom a wedding. What a shitty situation.

I really want to know long it takes Gretchen to get ready in the morning. She’s not exactly a wash-and-go girl, is she?

I can’t help it: I really like Slade. I know he’s banged three housewives, didn’t pay child support, yada yada yada, but I think he’s really funny and seems like a good time. He has my vote. Surprised?

I don’t really get what Tamra’s fitness studio would be like. Just classes? Must be nice to be a Real Housewife; you just snap your fingers and poof, another business venture!

Gretchen is still working out issues from her previous marriage? Let’s hear about ‘em, sista!

Vicki said people don’t get dressed up in Orange County. Uh, are you kidding? Gretchen and Alexis look like they’re going to the Oscars whenever they go to the grocery store.

The montage of Briana giving Vicki lip, to the tune of Vicki saying how close they were, was really funny, but I get where Vicki is coming from. Briana was always the rock, the good kid in comparison to, say, Lynne Curtin’s nightmare daughters.

Briana looked absolutely stunning at the Wines by Wives party. She seems happy, so I ain’t got jack shit to say ’bout dat.

Slade looked so cute with his hair parted, like a little brother going to prom.

Tamra has to have her tattoo cut out. Ugh. This is why I don’t have any tattoos.

Michael showed up looking totally stoned as usual in jeans, and Vicki was so nervous that she didn’t even give him attitude about it. Michael gave his new potential step-dad the cold shoulder, but Brooks was trying his best! Side note:
Michael found out Briana eloped via Facebook. No one called him? What a funny family.

Poor Vicki couldn’t keep the hurt out of her voice when she announced that Briana and Ryan had eloped. I heard Slade and Terry’s audible reactions to the news. Terry’s reaction to the news was hilarious too, that he would be totally fine not having to pay for the wedding; I want to see more of this guy.

Note: For some reason: this is where Bravo’s pics end. Sorry! Here are my notes for the rest of the show, sans pics:

Briana’s uncle came, which was the big surprise? My boyfriend, who doesn’t watch the show, scoffed when he saw this and said, “That’s not a good surprise” and I tend to agree.

Vicki said she’s not ready to be called “grandma.” Well, she better get used to it, as Briana is reportedly pregnant.

Heather’s remark that the women were not accustomed to going to many fancy events was a little Fancy Pants Dubrow of her. *Sniff*

Everyone’s being hard on Brooks! I’ll admit that it’s weird that he said he loved Vicki and Tamra’s son like his own after meeting them for five minutes. But… he was drinking, right? He won me over with the “bomb dot com” remark. He’s alright in my book. It’s a little weird that Michael and Briana are so resentful of their mom dating him; they’re in their twenties. I love Donn as much as the next person, but come on, guys. Get used to it, even if you don’t WANNA! *Crosses arms and pouts*

OH, MY GOD, Tamra called Alexis a drag queen! Dude, what’s your beef?

Slade is seriously so sweet to accept Tamra as Gretchen’s new friend. Slade for President 2016!

Brooks is so sweet and earnest and doesn’t even flinch when Briana is blatantly rude to his face. Poor Vicki. I understand her kids’ anger, but it’s clear Vicki wasn’t happy for years, and she deserves happiness.

And is Orange County still the richest county in the states? I’m not sure if that’s an up-to-date statistic.

Next week looks like it’ll be a doozy! Can’t wait to see this epic fight between Vicki and Briana (is that mean of me?)!

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

We are back from the Mexican “vacation” and Maggie has up and quit! Pretty good timing, no? It’s full-speed ahead with the apartment planning and Jason has to decide whether or not he wants to quit his job and come work for with Bethenny. I just hope he decided to quit before this scene aired… ’cause that would be kinda awkward, no? Check out my favorite scenes from this week’s episode.

Maggie e-mails Bethenny to tell her that she is quitting and Bethenny is a little peeved (understandably so) because she just took her on a luxurious vacation to Mexico. The timing is uncool but maybe Maggie got another job… like a paid job… not an internship. Assume the worst much?

Bethenny says she’s never made a bad decision. I would argue that deciding to wear that funky purple hat was a terrible decision.  A swing and a miss, but I give her points for trying. Though having a bar in her dressing room might encourage more style attempts like that, and should be left to the likes of Kelly Killoren Bensimon.

Yoga with Nick was painful. I don’t know that yoga is going to be his thing. But everyone’s different. Bethenny might look out of place at a Star Wars convention with him. How cute was he when he complimented B on her top?

I think some couples can work together, but this doesn’t seem to be that kind of couple. Then again, what is Jason supposed to do, mill about in middle management for the rest of their life when his wife (not him – prenup, remember?) is a multimillionaire? Conondrum. I would probably say he should retire and get into golf.

In more bad fashion ideas, Bethenny’s dressed like Frances McDormand in Fargo as she continues the never-ending process of designing her “dressing room.” There are discussions of “home vanities” and “office vanities.” White people problems; everyone put away your tiny violins – you can take them out once we start talking about the tyranny of eating every meal in a restaurant as a child.

This bitch fooled me too! I thought she was a real dame.

Back to Bethenny belittling Jason, this time because she doesn’t want to share her snacks. Harumph! I thought they would have covered sharing in kindergarten. Bethenny calls Jason and his father “cheap and cheaper”… might I suggest that could be projecting? Is she trying to convince us that she’s still “one of us”? I’ve never heard two people talk so much about money, let alone rich people. I would like to instill some WASPy politeness on these two!

THIS WHOLE APARTMENT STORY-LINE IS SO FUCKING BORING. Call me when they find pot in Bryn’s room: that I’ll watch.

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

An oldie but a goodie.

I’ll give you a hint: she works in the garment industry.

It’s Jill Zarin (née Kamen), in a high-school yearbook photo. Bet the nice Jewish girl from the Five Towns didn’t think she would one day have to deal with over-zealous crazies with websites dedicated to hating/stalking her and incessant Twitter feuds. Sigh.

(Photo via Babble)