Brandi shows the girls her pole-dancing skills and it is all Kyle can do to bite her tongue and smirk. *Too. Many. Jokes. Cannot. Choose.* When Marisa started to get on her soapbox about what she thinks makes a sexy woman, and how having like a job or whatever makes her, like, independent and sexy, I was all, “Bitch, please, this isn’t Real Housewives of New York City,” amiright, ladies?!

Back in LA, Adrienne, the think-tank of the Maloof Hoof, meets with her handbag team to… I don’t know. I just don’t care. For the love of God, Adrienne is terrible television, if only because she is too Melba toast (and she thought she was fooling us with her Charo-inspired exterior!).

Back at Ho Central, it is Yolanda’s turn to go up on the pole. She wears her hair in a messy bun an awful lot for someone who once feared her young daughter would turn into a lesbian.

Kim calls Kyle in the limo to mule over her decision to get a nose job, despite the fact that the procedure is in a few hours and this is the first Kyle’s hearing about it. The ladies immediately recognize this as a bad idea, given Kim’s new and tentative sobriety. Nevertheless, Kim decides to go through with it and arrives at the plastic surgeon with an assistant in tow. Who woulda thunk you’d need an assistant to pack and unpack and grill chicken and hang pictures, which is the most work we’ve ever seen Kim do?

In More Things We Would Rather Not See, we get grossed out in the next sign from a) Adrienne and Paul acting all kissy and nice, which, like, ew, given their nasty impending split, and b) Paul gets laser hair removal on his back.

Marisa spills red wine on her dress, which is an Alaïa… cue Cher Horowitz’s classic Clueless reference, “It’s an Alaïa, it’s like a totally important designer.” And also, what’s with everyone claiming to know Barbra Streisand?

Brandi jokes that Camille did porn… it’s funny because it’s true.

I felt bad for my girl, Kyle, when everyone was expressing their concerns about Kim’s surgery and sobriety; obviously Kyle is worried about her sister and has only had a few hours to digest the news, so she is getting more and more freaked out by what everyone is saying.

TALK ABOUT BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL: Camille brings up the reunion show and it’s just all so meta. As soon as Camille mentions Adrienne, Brandi’s brings up the conspiracy theory that Adrienne asked her to join forces with her, Kyle, and Camille, to go against Lisa. The Maloof Hoof is brought up, so you know that shit is about to go down. If you watched the reunion, you know that Camille will not crack even the smallest smile at the mention of the Hoof. Never.

Lisa calls Camille out, saying she knows that Camille knew that Adrienne was going to go after her at the reunion show. Brandi corroborates this and Camille is pissed. “I can handle you. But I will not stand for it. Excuse me.” Her low, breathy voice is reminiscent of a soap opera star about to have a major meltdown.

“Everyone has their own perception of things,” says Camille. Yeah, but Camille, your perception is always wrong. Hence the whole, “Why would anyone care about you without Kelsey there?” fiasco of season one.

Brandi announces that Adrienne only owns 2% of The Palms, which everyone seems to agree is true, but how dare she say it! Kyle takes issue with that statement and all of a sudden, she is claiming Brandi’s had a nose job and Brandi is denying it and out of nowhere, Camille announces that Lisa doesn’t own Sur. What the eff, man! This is a particularly low blow, since Lisa just scored her own spin-off show about the restaurant that she indeed owns, Sur. Is Camille trying to poo-poo her show? I know she is blonde and math is hard, but Lisa owns 51% of Sur, making her an owner. 

“Why did I fly all the way to Vegas to listen to a bunch of girls scream at each other?” Yolanda asks. Because you’re on Real Housewives, hello?! This is the best possible scenario that the producers could have asked for. The Dutch Dud peaces early, as David has sent a private plane to fetch her. Well, la-dee-dah. Did you know she knows Barbra Streisand?

Once again, Kyle is killing it in a green jumpsuit. One must wonder if it’s Kyle by Alene Too (or She by Sheree?). She pays Kim a visit and is in great spirits. Kim is in an excellent mood, too, and starts smoking an electronic cigarette ala  Alison Dubois, which is definitely a bad idea, given she just had a freakin’ nose job. Kim has a new dog, the sisters seem to be jiving well, and all seems well in the World According to the Richards Sisters. For now, at least.

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

Brandi walks away from her conversation with Scheana looking like a total badass. “Yeah, I can pat the arm of the girl who was doing my husband while I was pregnant… because I’m a 6’0” blonde bombshell in a little black dress.” Hearing her talk about being married to Eddie, it seems like she was totally caught off guard by his cheating, and that he acted like the perfect husband around Brandi, so I can understand how devastated she was, especially because she was pregnant! The fact is he is incredibly good looking, but so is she, so she shouldn’t have insecurities about her looks, though it’s quite understandable.

Kyle goes over to Chez Foster and I already know to prepare myself for some snide, snarky, backwards comments from Yolanda. She is officially the worst person on this show. She’s trying to brainwash Kyle into doing the Master Cleanse with her and Kyle obliges to try a sip of the concoction, but in no way is going to go through with the entire ordeal. Yolanda starts asking about Kim. I got chills when Kyle started talking about her childhood and flashed back to a picture of Kim as a child actress and I don’t know why! I found the picture of her surrounded by puppets so thoroughly creepy. Once again, I implore Kim to write a memoir about her life as an actress! For now, House of Hilton will suffice.

Kim has Gary, her life coach, over to her home, and it appears he got certified as a Life Coach in an accredited prison class. He is dead on about how healthy she looks. She still holds resentment over Kyle outing her as an alcoholic during their infamous limo fight in the season one finale. Will this ever end?!

Kyle arrives at Villa Blanca looking like what I can only describe as “John Lennon meets Fag Hag.” Meanwhile, Ken is hard at work at home, building a garden swing with the housekeeper. Oh, those dapper Brits! I could die as Lisa swings and Ken swoons. Take that, Kyle and Mauricio! Lisa makes one of her notorious cheeky Brit double entendres, this time about “swinging,” and all is right in 90210.

Kyle has arranged a “do-over” dinner with some of the ladies and Marisa, to make up for her humiliating dinner party. Of course, she must travel by limo, and kills it in a gorgeous long dress. Not to be outdone, Marisa is wearing a long Middle-Eastern-style dress, with slits so high that she almost pulls a Britney when she scooches into the limo. Once they arrive at the restaurant, Brandi tells the girls that she is being sued by Adrienne and Paul. Hey, Money Bags Maloof: this is not the way to make friends. Or garner sympathy for what Brandi has done to you and your family. Lucky for Brandi, Adrienne is still on hiatus from the show, and thus doesn’t show up to this dinner.

Yolanda asks Kim how her week was and it’s a loaded question. She really wants to know why Kim neglected to show up to her house to do a Master Cleanse. First of all, who would accept an invitation to do that? Secondly, Kim doesn’t remember ever setting a date. Kim probably flaked on the invite, but I’ll always take her side over Yolanda’s. You couldn’t pay me to spend an hour alone with Yolanda, getting chastised for not exercising enough or not being feminine enough. Yikes.

Kim is apologizing to Kyle about the way she acted when she was drinking, but Kyle isn’t convinced that Kim is committed to staying sober; meanwhile, Taylor is schwasted and imploring Lisa to hurry up the wait staff – because owning restaurants gives her control over every LA restaurant? Bravo is glossing over Taylor’s drinking this season, and I’m not sure why, but I imagine that she has too many issues going on that the editors don’t even know where to begin with her, so they are focusing on the easier plot points: Kyle vs. Kim, Brandi vs. Adrienne, etc.

Yolanda is complaining that no one is acting authentically Moroccan at this Moroccan restaurant, and name-dropping that Barbra Streisand is hanging out at her house tonight, and I am uninterested. She is no. Fucking. Fun.

Taylor is talking about Russell’s suicide and is well on her way to becoming the hot mess of the night (but let’s be real, Brandi won’t let her take that title). Just as Taylor’s announcing that she has settled her lawsuit, Brandi brings up that Adrienne is suing her, again.  The ladies point out the obvious, which is that Brandi is broke as a joke, and Adrienne is using her money to intimidate her. Lucky for Adrienne, she has Mauricio on her side, who usually stays out of the fray but I guess feels strongly enough about this to face off against Brandi.

Lisa brings up how Adrienne famously said, “Friends don’t sue friends,” on season two, when Russell threatened to sue Camille for opening her trap about the domestic abuse Taylor had suffered at the hands of her husband.

Kim randomly throws out at Taylor that she could have left Russell. Cheap shot, much, especially since she and Taylor have had a good relationship since season two. Don’t do this, Kim! Mauricio and Ken get into it a bit, with Mauricio calling Brandi a gossip and telling Brandi to call Adrienne, and Ken saying that Brandi doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Yolanda throws in her token sexist advice, saying that instead of getting involved in these womanly issues, they should go have a beer somewhere. Kim points out that Brandi has a habit of throwing out untrue things about people (like when she called Kim a meth addict), and we are reminded just how many times Brandi’s big mouth has gotten her into trouble. Lisa points out that Adrienne accused her of selling stories about her, which Mauricio doesn’t believe is that big of an offense. Brandi ends the conversation by telling Maurcio to “shut the f*** up” and Dean comically adds, “Who’s ready for dessert?” Big things are a-happenin’ in the BH and I can’t wait for next week’s episode!

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

We left off with Faye chewing out Brandi for her fight with Adrienne, and insisting she send her flowers. I get that Faye is on Adrienne’s side, but clearly Brandi is still pissed at her, so I don’t think she necessarily has to apologize to her right now (although it certainly seems like Brandi made a heinous faux pas by revealing Adrienne’s secret and therefore probably does owe her a huge apology). Faye won’t let up. Down, girl. Brandi chooses to leave. P.S. WTF is Brandi wearing?

Kyle is clearly feeling caught in the middle, and on her way out, tries to distract everyone by having the next course served, as though the night isn’t already ruined. Glenn, your browned and buttered raviolis will surely save the day!

Taylor invites a medium over to get rid of the negative energy in her house. This lady is a wacko and I’m strangely convinced and terrified that I’m going to turn into her one day. I don’t think it’s a choice! She’s a psychic/medium/church person who asks “Father” God questions and jerks her body in interesting contortions in response. Housewife say what? And why did Bravo not include the “truth” about what happened to Princess Diana, according to this nutjob?! Inquiring minds want to know!

Kyle and Marisa are talking about Brandi vs. Faye while the yoga instructor is trying to get them off that topic and focus on their yoga. Guess he didn’t get the memo that the women are literally paid to talk about one another and it’s something they have to do. Marisa says she likes Brandi because she talked to her, unlike Taylor and Camille. Lemme stop ya there, sweetie, because I’m pretty sure Camille complimented your dress. Roll the tapes!

Brandi refers to Faye as the “chick with a dick,” in an attempt to one-up her meth comment about Kim. Lisa broaches the Scheana topic with Brandi, and asks if she would have a sit-down with the woman who her ex-husband slept with while Brandi was pregnant. That’s majorly F-ed up and I can’t believe Lisa has the balls to ask, but Brandi agrees to meet with her. Reality TV gold, thinks Andy Cohen, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

Taylor’s lawyer – who also happens to be her boyfriend (who was married right up until he announced his divorce and new relationship with Taylor… fishy timing there but I’ll always give Taylor the benefit of the doubt!) – calls to give her the status of her lawsuit, and says the other party wants her wedding ring, because she has no other assets to pay him with. This is too heartbreaking, so let’s just move on, shall we?

Yolanda talks her daughter out of playing volleyball because it’s masculine, and tells her to pursue modeling because it’s feminine. Then she puts the final ax into her relationship with Bravo, saying she feared her daughter was a lesbian when she used to wear basketball clothes to school as a child. First, the “Chinese eyes” comment. Next, the lesbian comment in Ojai. This final lesbian comment will surely get her canned for next season… or will give her the Jill Zarin edit for next season, which is, arguably, a much harsher fate.

AND her husband, David Foster. Oy. He just has to make them look even worse when he announces that men don’t think about womanly tasks like cooking, because “we’re just so preoccupied with our jobs.” Okay, now I see how these two connected. Where is Yolanda’s apron, anyway?

Meanwhile, in the 21st century, Brandi visits at “Cam Gram’s” estate, and Camille tells her that Kelsey has forbade his children to say her name or “mom” in his house. Kelsey sounds like a real psycho and I surely would not call Frasier Crane’s radio show for advice any time soon.

Adrienne and Paul’s secretary are rather cold when they greet each other, making me wonder if perhaps Adrienne was suspicious about that hussy’s her relationship with Dr. Paul Nassif. Or am I just cruelly speculating? Adrienne announces that she and Paul are starting a skin care line together… guess that looks like another project that’ll be thrown at the window, as the couple are dunzo. Adrienne says that Brandi blurting out her secret has put a strain on her marriage, but since she won’t tell us what the freakin’ secret is, we are once again left in the dark.

Taylor and her lawyer/boyfriend, John, arrive at dinner with the Vanderpump-Todds and the Umanskys. Taylor announces that she has finally settled her lawsuit, and that the attorneys showed up at her house and took her wedding ring and two Hermes bags and then she bursts into tears. Everyone at the dinner is like, “AWKWARD!” Taylor’s date breaks that tension by announcing that he’s heard that Kim has been up at the Havana Club – a cigar club – LOLz – frequently, much to Kyle’s surprise. Hey, now I know what’s missing from this episode: NOT. ENOUGH. KYLE. Damn you, Brandi, and your screen-hogging!

Speak of the devil, it’s now the confrontation we’ve all been waiting for: Brandi vs. Scheana. Scheana is already a hot mess, crying while apologizing, then getting defensive, while Brandi stares at her like, “Go. Die. Bye.” Brandi reminds Scheana that she was simply his “Tuesday mistress” and Scheana digs herself into a deeper and deeper hole, telling Brandi about all the special times she shared with her husband. Wow, it turns out that Eddie has a thing for girls who put their foot in their mouths.

Eventually, Brandi and Scheana reach a common ground, with Brandi acknowledging that she blames Eddie for leaving and doesn’t blame Scheana for “stealing” him. Scheana apologizes and Brandi graciously accepts, and even taps her shoulder in a big sisterly way, and walks off in her hot little black dress like “Woman scorned? Ain’t no woman scorned here, biatch!” Scheana gets closure and suddenly… we’re in an episode of Vanderpump Rules! Very clever. Stay tuned for more on Lisa’s new show!

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

They say all good things must come to an end, and so, it is with great regret, that I must acknowledge that Jersey Shore ends tonight.

Hey, they gave us the extra season: everyone thought that the fifth season would be the final season. The cast had just come back from – arguably – their least popular season, filmed in Italy, and everyone seemed tired and over this ‘ish. Even Vinny  went home for a few days, needing a break. Before the fifth season aired, there were many reports that it would be the final season, but then MTV stopped saying anything. It appeared another season of Jersey Shore would happen, a year later, which was the longest interval of time between shooting. (Can you believe the Jersey Shore phenomenon only spanned three years? It premiered in 2009. Doesn’t it feel like it’s been on for a decade?)

However, the fact that the cast took a year hiatus proved to be more than a little difficult. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino took his time off to attend to his pain-killer addiction; he went into rehab and came out sober. A sober Mike… in the shore house? Okay, maybe we could work around that… except for another minuscule detail: Snooki just happened to be knocked up. By the guy who came with his uncle to retrieve his pretty cousin whom Vinny was trying to smush in season 3. Snooki took this guy, Jionni, home later on that season, and was so drunk that she didn’t even remember his name! (Sidebar: I’ve caught a spelling error or two in Jersey Shore’s closed captioning and I hooted with laughter when I saw the editors had misspelled Gianni’s name as “Jionni.” Little did I realize that the joke was on me: that’s how Jionni’s own parents spelled his name when they named him. Oh, brother…) Apparently, Jionni hadn’t had his fill of Snooki (insert dirty joke here), even when she disgusted him with her dirty dancing in Italy and he peaced out of the country.

So how was Jersey Shore going to address these two major changes in the upcoming season? We all hissed at Snooki’s fetus, that would later become Lorenzo Lucius LaValle (oy), “This is all your fault,” and to Jionni, “Look what you did, you little jerk!” , ala Home Alone. For sure, I thought they wouldn’t have a sixth season now, or at least write Snooki out of the storyline. The producers were more clever than that, however, and provided us with a spinoff, Snooki & JWoww, that would help fill in the gaps between seasons. Though it seemed a little contrived (Snooki is pregnant and engaged and moving in with a girlfriend? JWoww lives in a literal mansion now with Roger but will squeeze into an apartment – albeit, a pretty big one – with this pregnant, engaged girlfriend? C’mon, bro.), we could see that where there’s a will, there’s a way. And so season six premiered, with one stone-cold-sober and much more likable Mike and a pregnant Snooki, living in the house next door.

And now – hiccup! – it is time to say goodbye. Really, though, everyone was getting a little long in the tooth. The only completely single one in the house in season six was Pauly D! It was obvious that they were all getting a little old for this; Snooki, JWoww, Deena, and Sammi pretty much just wanted to snuggle with their significant others and even “The Situation” tested the relationship waters with Paula, and Vinny tried to be celibate. The cast woke up early the morning after they moved into the house for the final time, because now they really are grownups, getting up and at ‘em at a reasonable hour. (Gone are the days when Snooki went to work hungover in a blanket and slippers.)

And yet… I’m just not ready to let go. I’ll never forget the first time I heard of Jersey Shore; I was in college and laying in bed watching MTV at 1 in the morning and saw a short commercial for this upcoming new show, which I had never heard of. Instantly, I texted my best friend that it would be an hit, and she happened to have seen the commercial at the same time I had! I was vaguely familiar with the Jersey Shore, having gone there for a weekend after my high school prom, but I was more acquainted with it through various True Life episodes, such as True Life: I’m a Jersey Shore Girl (tagline: “Did you see his Porsche or did you see the keychain that had a Porsche symbol on it?”) and True Life: I Have a Summer Share (tagline: “We’re not a bunch of mopes,” says a fat guy, spicing up a rainy day by tossing a beach ball around indoors). After the show aired, my friends and I couldn’t help but go get spray-tanned, buy some Bump-Its, and host a Jersey Shore themed party.

Think about what Jersey Shore has given us: “GTL”, “DTF”, “Cabs are here!”, “grenades”, “Yeah, buddy!” Do you think we would be ignoring our logical sides that tell us that tanning beds will kill us or that a “meatball” isn’t necessarily the body type we should aspire to, without Jersey Shore?

How kismet (and tragic) is it that after filming the final season, the Jersey Shore was literally ruined by Hurricane Sandy? The producers may have had no other choice but to make this the final season. I don’t want to say goodbye to Jersey Shore. And I know it’s only a matter of time before they do a reunion special. Still, I wish it didn’t have to end. So I think I speak for my generation when I say, “Goodbye, Jersey Shore. Thanks for the memories.”

Who’s side am I on, Adrienne or Brandi’s? Well, last week, I was staunchly on Brandi’s side. Hello, she’s the underdog, the single mom, the woman scorned… Adrienne has more money than God and until very recently, went on the offensive and took on my girl, Lisa, and spread lies about her! This week, however, I don’t know… maybe it’s me being sentimental because of all the hurt that’s going on in the world right now but I feel for Adrienne. Whatever secret of her’s that Brandi spilled must have been extremely personal and heartbreaking to inspire Adrienne’s husband, Paul, to get up in Brandi’s face and call her a bitch. I mean, he is a doctor and she is a business professional, and they’re both the type that don’t let you see them sweat. Plus Brandi took on my best friend, Kyle, and I do not like that ‘ish.

Still… probably most of the blame goes to Kim for opening her trap about the incident but at least some of it goes to Paul and Adrienne, for causing a scene at Mauricio’s work party. I mean, they could have asked Brandi to step aside or simply left and dealt with her later.

One thing that Bravo seems to be glossing over is Taylor’s drinking; she is clearly drunk at Mauricio’s party and was wasted at Portia’s birthday party. She gets a few drinks in her and is suddenly drudging up the past with Camille. I guess there was too much drama this season to pay attention to Taylor. And Bravo, really? You’re still not going to tell us what the big secret is? You know we’re gonna find out so spare yourself the embarrassment and just spill it. That’s an order!

Recently outfitted with a new hip, Ken is bothering Lisa for tea and biscuits. He’s not bothering her for sex, to her relief, so I think she can spoil him with these few treats. Moving on…

Kim goes to work out with her daughters Brooke and Kimberly. Hi Brooke Brinson, with the subtle Fatburger plug on her sweatshirt, obviously in acknowledgement of her boyfriend’s father’s company. Did you know she and Kyle’s daughter, Farrah Aldjufrie, who are first cousins, are dating twins? Small world, eh? Kim blames Kyle for Brandi spilling the beans about Adrienne. Newly-sober Kim announces that she’s going to go to Las Vegas for her son, Chad’s, 21st birthday. It seems like a terrible idea, but Kim has set up AA meetings that she can attend while she is there if the temptation is too great, and plus she will be with her kids, so she will probably be fine.

Kyle tells her husband she’s going to have a dinner party to celebrate the new dining room, and you can just tell this is going to be a bad idea. Every dinner party on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is doomed, whether it’s because of a drunk medium or a pretentious host who plays piano and insists that his guests not sing along to the music. A subtle nostril flare is all we need to know that Mauricio disapproves of Brandi, which I’m sure she is used to… her name is Brandi. With an I. Mauricio objects to Brandi being invited to the party and calls her “disgusting.” Meow. Apparently, he is also extremely offended by Brandi spilling Adrienne’s secret, so clearly the secret is something big and is probably about the alleged surrogate that Adrienne used. This supposed secret doesn’t seem like such a huge deal to me, but I guess it would be pretty embarrassing to be walking around with a pillow under my shirt, pretending to be pregnant, and then be found out. That seems fucked up on a psychological level.

Kyle meets up with Faye for lunch and it’s about freakin’ time! Isn’t she supposed to be a “friend of the housewives” this season? It seems Faye is on Team Adrienne and will be attending the dinner party. To be continued…

By the way, how many minutes are we going to spend on the giant mistake that Bravo made newest cast-member, Yolanda Foster this episode? Phew, a few minutes of her working out and it’s over.

How the tables have turned! Now Brandi is accusing Adrienne of putting out negative stories about her and unlike when Adrienne accused Lisa, it seems like Brandi has proof. Watching Brandi gives me anxiety; she is clearly uncomfortable in her own skin and should maybe be on some mood stabilizer or something to inhibit her tendency to blurt things out that she will later regret. The funniest part of this scene is watching her tear up but not being able to move her forehead. Pick your poisons carefully, girlfriend…

Over at Chez Umansky, Glenn, the caterer, has prepared a ton of food for Kyle’s dinner party. Glenn resembles Jeana Keough’s friend (slash decorater slash fan of the Real Housewives of Orange County), Frankie. Kyle is killin’ it as per usual in a black jumpsuit.

Well, well, well. I was just wondering when we were going to meet Marisa Zanuck, the newest “friend” of the ‘wives, alongside the other “friend”, Faye Resnick, and, I guess, Camille Grammer (though Camille is on the show so much she might as well be a full-time cast member). Marisa looks demure and resembles Elizabeth Banks, though Marisa might be quick to say it’s the other way around, as Marisa’s husband’s grandfather founded 20th Century Fox. She is really beautiful, in an old Hollywood way. She makes a better Betty Draper than January Jones!

The ladies sit down for dinner and Kyle says that Yolanda couldn’t make it because she is out of town attending Donna Summer’s funeral, and once again we are reminded how much bigger of a deal these ladies are than the other cities in the Real Housewives franchise. I mean, you wouldn’t expect Alexis Bellino to be hobnobbing with celebrities like that. Someone asks where Kim is and Kyle reveals that Kim has dissed her royally by “forgetting” to invite her to her son’s birthday party in Las Vegas. Correct: that is definitely a diss. I’m not sure what Kim is trying to do here, but it’s clear Kyle is not just imagining the tension between her and Kim and Kim might not be as easily intimidated by Kyle as the show portrays…

Faye is certainly not a wallflower and she doesn’t hesitate to call Brandi out on her bullshit. I have liked Faye in the past, like when she took on Camille and her cronies at her dinner party when they were attacking Kyle, but I think she’s out of line here. Just because she happens to have a good personal relationship with Adrienne doesn’t mean that Brandi has to make nice with Adrienne. I agree that Brandi probably owes Adrienne an apology if she spilled a major secret of hers, but I wouldn’t confront an ostensible stranger about the topic in front of everyone at a dinner party.

Marisa proves the reason that she’s probably on the show: she’s not afraid to voice her opinion, even when she’s in the minority. She happens to agree with Brandi. Brandi decides to leave the party, and that’s where we leave off with the ‘wives. Until next week…

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

Kyle and Mauricio’s 16-year-old daughter, Alexia, gets a gorgeous white Mercedes as her first car. Well deserved, I am sure! What bad could come from giving Paris Hilton’s cousin a brand new car? And what’s with Mauricio giving all these cars away?!  A Maserati for Kyle, a Mercedes for Alexia… what’s next, a baby Bentley for Portia?

Brandi meets with her literary gaygent – gay agent, try to keep up, eh? – Michael Broussard, to discuss the cover for her new book. She complains that the ladies didn’t seem happy for her when she announced her book deal, which is totally not the same thing as Taylor writing a book about her marriage, a “hot minute” after Russell’s suicide, ’cause Brandi’s totally over her ex. Sure, Brandi’s over it… so over it that she is writing a book about her marriage, three years after they divorced. And is making all sorts of accusations about LeAnn Rimes being an alcoholic now. But I digress…

Let’s just bop on over to Sur Lounge for a little Lisa time, shall we? This entire scene might as well be called “proving to producers why we should get our own spin-off.” And I’m still not sure that they deserve it! Sure, one of their attractive waitresses got in a bit of a scuffle with a patron; shit happens. Obvs I’m going to watch Vanderpump Rules, but why waste valuable Real Housewives of Beverly Hills time on this minutiae?! Can we get Kathy Hilton back on screen, for the love of God?!

Shocker of all shockers: Kim is the second guest to arrive to the tasting at Sur! The surprise of this is not lost on the other ladies, and Kim and Brandi – another shocker! – team up and leave Kyle a teasing voice-mail asking why she’s late and suggesting she get help. Booyah, biotch!

Lisa starts the dinner off while everyone’s laughing and catching up by all of a sudden garnering a serious tone and asking if newly-sober Kim ever fears she will have a relapse. As my fellow Real Housewives like to say: Wrong place, wrong time, girlfriend. Kim takes it all in stride, though, and intuits it’s all Kyle’s fault, naturally.

Luckily, the conversation quickly turns back to shit-talking, and – goody! – it’s about Adrienne. Let’s take that rich bitch down a notch, shall we, Brandi? Brandi reveals that Adrienne and Paul asked Brandi to tweet lies about Lisa, to bring fans over to her side.

Brandi goes on and on bashing Adrienne, even when it’s clear that it makes the girls uncomfortable, and finally reveals a secret about her- that we don’t get to hear. It’s literally bleeped out without a bleep sound. All we see are the girls’ shocked, disapproving faces. Um, what the F, Bravo?! I did not sign up for this! Clearly, it’s something big. Let’s hope that we find out by the end of the episode, ’cause this shit is not sitting well with me…

Her ears must have been ringing, because we finally have a scene with Adrienne, and it’s awkward, because she’s being all cute with Paul and he calls her “baby” and his “beautiful wife” and she’s all dressed up at home for a family barbecue and making fun of Paul’s back hair and God, why couldn’t their love last?!

Back to Kyle, thank God! I prefer my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episodes to be 3/4 all about Kyle and thankfully, Bravo seems on board with this ratio. Look at our Breck girl, brushing her luscious locks at her vanity. I could watch you brush that hair for hours, says a creepy viewer, clearly not me. It’s the night of The Agency’s first big event, The Agency being Mauricio’s new solo real estate company. Side note: I must admit I love Mauricio’s short haircut – like a kindergartner on his first day of school.

Well, well, well. Finally, we meet Dimitri, the reason Camille isn’t a full-time cast member the new love of Camille’s life. Camille describes him as a “passionate soul” and brags that he has eight inches on Kelsey – meow.

Unfortunately, Lisa and Ken cannot attend The Agency’s party because he has to have a hip replacement. Their kids arrive at the hospital and everyone’s nervous for him; suddenly he’s not the groovy playboy of Great Britain he once claimed to be. Luckily, the old chap comes out of surgery good as new. Righty o’, now Lisa can follow up with a penis joke – right in front of her daughter. Mazel!

Back at The Agency’s party, everyone arrives and Kim, for some reason, thinks now is the perfect time to bring up that Brandi was talking smack about them at Sur and revealed a huge secret. CAVEAT: BRAVO DOESN’T AIR THE PART WHERE WE FIND OUT WHAT THE SECRET IS. WTF?! This is some shady editing and I am not pleased nor amused. Clearly, MoneyBags Maloof has gotten to Bravo and, under threat of a lawsuit, they opted to air this incomplete shit?! I mean, really, Bravo? You think we’ll accept this?

Now, according to Wetpaint, the supposed secret is that Adrienne used a surrogate to carry her three children. If you will, harken back to the episode at Ojai, when all the ladies were chiming in with their own going-into-labor stories and we were all fast-forward, no one cares! Remember Camille, how she stayed silent, because she openly admitted to having to use a surrogate to carry her children? Adrienne even offered her own story about going into labor, which is probably why she now feels foolish, if it is true that she used a surrogate. Did Adrienne go all Beyonce-fake belly and fake her pregnancy?! I don’t know, but still, I mean, really? Is this that big of a deal? Sure, I get that it’s a private family matter and no one else’s business, but it’s not like Brandi accused either of them of abuse or cheating, like they have accused one another of doing. Unless that is in fact the real big secret Brandi reveals. And Bravo airs Russell’s footage and alleges of abuse after his suicide – yet Adrienne using a surrogate is too personal to share on-screen? Anyway, I’m not cool with this, Bravo, and consider this me shaking my head in disapproval. *Burn*

Surprisingly, neither Adrienne’s neon pink lipstick nor Brandi’s omnipresent hot pink blush are the most offensive parts of this scene: Paul calls Brandi a bitch to her face, and I’m reminded of how he reamed Russell out for his inappropriate email to Camille. Obviously, this secret is true, because why else would Adrienne and Paul go flippin’ bananas over this rumor? Until next time (and next time looks like it’s gonna be juicy!)…

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

We start off with Kyle helping Adrienne pick out a present for darling Portia. If ever there was a more unnatural outing! What’s most evident in this scene is that Adrienne needs a hair intervention. What’s going on with the two-toned blonde? And the bangs? Girl!!!

As usual, I am totally in agreement with Ms. Kyle Richards on Lisa v. Adrienne. WTF does Lisa owe Adrienne an apology for? Doesn’t Adrienne remember what she accused Lisa of doing? Although… a little bird on my shoulder is reminding me how Kyle was on the offensive and was Team Adrienne at the reunion. Put that in the back of your cap for now, viewers!

Later on, at Casa de Pressing, I mean, Casa de Taylor, Taylor has Kyle and Adrienne and their families over for dinner, and we have to cringe at Paul and Adrienne’s adorable bickering (slash wonder if Adrienne’s claims that Paul physically abused her were true or not), now knowing that they are divorced. Ironically, domestic abuse victim Taylor asks Mauricio and Paul to participate in a walk to raise money for domestic violence awareness. The catch is, they have to wear high heels. But the biggest issue for Kyle is that it’s the same day as Portia’s birthday party, and you can tell she’s a little peeved. Her husband is going to disappear the morning of the party and leave her to do all the setting up? Great, she smiles, through gritted teeth.

Even with all their money, Adrienne’s not willing to shell out the big bucks for some high heels her hubby’s only going to wear once – and she’s sure as hell not lending him any Maloof Hoofs – so she took him to a place that looks like an “adult” store in a decrepit part of the old Las Vegas strip. Paul tries on some fuzzy pink heels and does a little jig – imagine going in to surgery with this guy as your doctor after seeing this?!

Yolanda visits her daughter, Gigi Hadid, who’s modeling for a photo shoot, and gets dropped off by her driver. Hello, this ain’t Real Housewives of Orange County or New Jersey – we know you have real money so you don’t need to flaunt it by hiring a driver for the day! We don’t do that here! Yolanda reminds Gigi that she better get back on her diet, lest she pork out and embarrass the family, and make sure her eye makeup doesn’t make her “Chinese looking, because that’s not good for her face.” Unassuming racist, party of one! For some reason, Yolanda is sporting a helmet head look, and I would say all that hairspray is not good for the planet!

The gang’s headed to the high heels walk and Kyle’s left alone to prepare for Portia’s party. Luckily Portia is adorable as ever so who could get stressed about a silly party? Or the fact that Kyle ordered unicorns but got brown horses, despite the fact that unicorns aren’t actually real? Or that Portia breaks the fourth wall by staring directly at the camera? Lisa shows up dressed as a fag hag in a bright green dress with bright green aviator shades. Where did she think she was going in that – a Mad Hatter tea party after she takes a hit of acid?! Lisa claims she can’t stay at the party for long because she has a wine tasting, but Kyle suspects it’s because she wants to avoid Adrienne. Lisa tells Kyle to politely mind her own beeswax and walks a llama through her house. You’ve just been told, bitch – Vanderpump style.

Somehow, I’m not getting the connection between walking in high heels and supporting a cause that helps domestic violence victims. Masochism? Connect the dots here, Bravo, ’cause I ain’t gettin’ it.

Guests start arriving at Portia’s birthday party: Brandi, who is having an anxiety attack over seeing the other ladies, Dana Wilkey, from last season, sporting what look like “$25,000″ sunglasses… and Camille! Like a breath of fresh air: Ms. Manners has arrived! With her trusty sidekick, D.D.!

BTW no offense but how gross of a last name is “Glanville”? It irritates me in the same way “moist” and “ointment” do. Glanville *shudder*

The men, sans high heels, plus Adrienne and Taylor, thankfully make it in time to Portia’s party, and unfortunately, Brandi is still having a panic attack over seeing Taylor. Never mind that, though, because Kim has finally shown up! Her kids are MIA but you can tell Kyle is pleased that Kim pulled it together in time to make it to the party. Kim reveals she’s not with her boyfriend from last season, Ken, anymore (remember, the one who Brandi called a “gay bull mastiff”?). Enemies turned totally-chill-with-one-another Kim and Taylor sit down to chat, and Taylor’s high-pitched, breathy voice makes me wonder if she’s been drinking. I’m still not understanding the story about Brandi telling Yolanda that “she” has slept with every guy in Beverly Hills. Is she saying that Brandi slept with every guy or Yolanda has slept with every guy? Can someone clear this up for me, people?! I’m thinking that Brandi said that Brandi has slept with every guy – right?

We end on some good old-fashioned trash talking, this time about Lisa. Let the games begin!

(Photos via Bravotv.com)

Well, last week was the Real Housewives of Atlanta season premiere, and it broke records for most-watched premiere episode in Bravo’s history, just like it did when the series premiere debuted back in season one! Whether you tuned in to see NeNe Leakes’ blindingly white teeth or to hear Sheree Whitfield’s replacement, Kenya Moore, repeat the phrase “coochie crack,” it was obvious we’re gearing up for a great season. Check out the most outrageous quotes from episode one and two!

1. “I have a daughter and Todd has a daughter, so we would love to have a son. And we both agree that we love the name ‘Cash.’ Which is how we bought our house… in cash!’ – Kandi, dangerously stepping into Kim Zolciak territory

2. “Well, you don’t need sun, so that’s perfect for you! If I was black, I’d have one inside my house, too!” – Kim, tottering over the edge of “awkward and rude” on her jealousy-fueled tour of Kandi’s new digs

3. “That’s a man. No, I’m serious. I’m looking for an Adam’s apple.” – Kenya, on an aspiring model

4. “I’m not trying to be the mean girl… but why are you here?” – Kenya, to a plus-size model

5. “It’s like crack in the back, crack in the front… you obviously didn’t have time to shave…” – Kenya, offended by a hopeful model’s exposed buttcrack

6. “I talk openly with Brent about the gay community. As a parent, you know, you tell your kids about sex, drugs… do you tell them ‘don’t wear hot pants’? I don’t know what you do!” – NeNe, covering all her bases as a good parent

7. “I love the gays, you know they invented everything! Nail polish and weaves and earrings and how to walk and you know, gays invented it all… They’re half-man, half-lady, you can’t beat that.” – NeNe, giving her view of the gay community

8. “Ok, enough of that clown show.” Kenya says, about Cynthia’s speech, at Cynthia’s event, after grabbing the microphone for her own speech like a sociopath

It’s the ladies of Real Housewives of New York City; specifically, from left: Sonja, Ramona, Carole, and Heather (no idea who is in front)! Ramona recently posted never-before-scene pics from the good parts of the St. Barth’s trip on her blog, like this incriminating booty shot. Miss the ladies yet?

(Photo via Ramona Singer’s blog)

Like a breath of fresh air: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is back! Does anyone else get chills when they play the opening credits? Happens to me every time!

We start off in the House of Pink, Lisa and Ken’s new pad, and it is, predictably, gorgeous and pink and sumptuous and sparkly. It’s incredible that this is a downgrade for Lisa, as this is probably most people’s dream house. Brandi arrives to tour the new digs, and clearly she hasn’t figured out yet that she doesn’t have the right type of hair to skip washes, and also hasn’t taken Jill Zarin’s infamous advice to Kelly Killoren Bensimon to “put a brawr on.” Lisa and Brandi are now the best of friends; how far we’ve come from Brandi shit-talking about Lisa with Adrienne’s chef, Bernie! (You think we forgot about that deleted scene, girl?)

*Side note* Doesn’t Lisa, in her interviews in the pink button-down, dress like a gay guy going as a character from Dallas for Halloween?!)

Ken wanders in like a straight guy lost in the House of Versace and Brandi presents the longtime couple with an indoor Slip n’ Slide for their bed. Lisa reveals she is still hurt by Adrienne’s accusation that Lisa sold a story about her and says Adrienne is going to be persona non grata at Villa Blanca’s third anniversary party.

My personal favorite – and the producers favorite – Miz Kyle Richards is, meanwhile, presented with a Maserati by her hunky MexiJew husband, Mauricio.

Like seeing a ghost: now-brutally-bitterly-separated couple, Adrienne and Paul go out to dinner. Taylor calls Adrienne and she picks up at dinner: bad sign #1. It was big of Taylor to even call Adrienne after she basically told her to go F herself when she rejected Taylor’s request of her becoming Kennedy’s godmother. Taylor asks Adrienne to go shopping with her because she’s apparently gained ten pounds – I can’t wait to see this – and also she needs something to wear to Lisa’s Villa Blanca party. Villa Blanca party? Adrienne had no idea about this. Oh, hell naw!

Suddenly, a painfully-obvious-bottle-blonde (except maybe it’s real ’cause she’s from Holland) is being thrown into the mix. Introducing Yolanda Foster, a model best known for having been once married to Mohamed Hadid, Lisa’s friend with the sick mansion and long orgy bed. I can’t tell if it’s her accent that’s masking no sense of humor, but I have a feeling I won’t like this one… could it be because she has a big nude photograph of herself above her mantle? Okay, stop it, I’m being mean: she’s new. Let’s give her a chance.

But it’s hard! Yolanda dresses like the poor man’s Camille Grammer in a pink top and white pants and brings her man, 60-time Grammy award winner David Foster, some coffee with flowers on a tray. She tells us her husband has been writing her love letters… for six years… while they were presumably living under the same roof every day. *Fun fact* David Foster was also previously married to Linda Thompson, a friend of Brandi’s that we saw last season, and also Bruce Jenner’s ex-wife and Brody Jenner’s mom. David Foster inexplicably reminds me of Stuart Little in his interviews where he’s wearing a gray suit jacket. Anyone else…?

Well, now, this is new: Kathy Hilton on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills! To what do we owe the honor? We’ve been waiting for you, girl! Kathy manages to look flawless as usual, but I have to wonder why she always dresses so conservatively! She’s not old; she should show off what she’s got! Newly-sober Kim and daughter, Kimberly, show up at the House of Hilton to find a prom dress for Kimberly from Aunt Kathy’s new dress collection. How convenient! Now I know why she’s on the episode!

I’m thrilled to see Kim sober and clear-headed, but she’ still the same ol’ Kim, hence the boutonnière joke. Kim reveals things are still rocky on the Kyle front; I’m guessing that addendum to last season’s reunion show, in which Kim sat down with Andy Cohen and told him her real problem is with Kyle’s husband, Mauricio, didn’t help matters. Well, here comes trouble, because she of the coveted long brown locks has just arrived!

Kim tells her sisters that she found Kimberly and her 20-year-old boyfriend… wait for it… kissing. “Just keep your eye on things and don’t give them a chance to be alone,” says Paris Hilton’s mom. Kim further shocks us by saying Kimberly’s boyfriend promised her they wouldn’t have sex until they were married. She says this in earnest.

Kyle’s adorable daughter, Portia, calls Kyle’s friends to invite them to her fourth birthday party and you could just melt in the cuteness as she cordially invites Taylor and Lisa, and hilariously calls Kim annoying when she can’t get a hold of her. Kyle has to awkwardly invite Brandi when she realizes she’s with Lisa, and Brandi tells us she thinks things are fine with her and Kyle. Really? Since you accidentally texted her saying “Kyle is a see-you-next-Tuesday?”

As promised, Taylor has gained ten pounds, and looks amazing. She seems like she is a in a good frame of mind; she’s cheerful and healthy and YAY! Finally!

It’s the night of the Villa Blanca party, and shockingly, Kim shows up! She looks wonderful and Lisa is gob-smacked to see her in the flesh and not be listening to one of her lame excuses on the phone.

Brandi claims that Kim blames her for all of her “drug and alcohol problems.” Narcissistic, much? Kyle invites her sister to her daughter’s birthday party and Kim’s like, “Um… no thanks,” and says she might not be able to come because she wants to spend time with her own kids, who might not want to go to a four-year-old’s birthday party all the time. If you look at pictures, though, Kyle and Kim’s kids are extremely close and it seems like the cousins hang out on  a weekly basis. Dare I wonder if perhaps a kiddie party just has no appeal to Aunt Kim, especially when she has to face the marauding toddlers sober?

Dun-dun-DUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

Lisa is surprised by the most hideous flower/plant arrangement I’ve ever seen… courtesy of Money-Bags Maloof, who wasn’t invited, remember? Passive-aggressive, party of one. I’m on Lisa’s side about this: Adrienne owes her an apology for her accusation. Looks like money doesn’t solve all problems, much to Adrienne’s chagrin.

We end the episode with  classic Kyle/Kim argument. Let the season begin!

(Photos via Bravotv.com)