A Virgin ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Viewer’s Take on the Show

Truth: I had never watched Celebrity Apprentice until last night. I prefer my reality shows have no talent-based or otherwise competitive angle; the only fights I want to see are the ones erupting from one person calling another a “thug in a cocktail dress.” But, pass up the opportunity to see Teresa Giudice and Victoria Gotti rub necks with other contestants? Not a chance. Here are my thoughts as a virgin viewer on last night’s show.

• Right off the bat, why is Donald Trump shouting at us when he gets out of the car? It doesn’t seem like the area is too loud.  Also, why is he squinting? Somebody get The Donald some sunglasses, for the love of God!
• LOL at Teresa obviously insisting that her name be read as “ju-dee-chay.” I’m also laughing at how she stacks up against the other contestants. Here are some examples: “Pop icon, Debbie Gibson… Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza, Actress and Grammy winner, Tia Carrere… The funniest woman in America, the queen of mean, Lisa Lampanelli, the original supermodel, Cheryl Tiegs… American Idol super star, Clay Aiken………………………….. New Jersey’s favorite housewife, Teresa Giudice.” Isn’t it funny that one of the Celebrity Apprentice’s biggest billing contestants, among all the talent in the cast, is a Real Housewives of New Jersey star?
• Teresa’s first lines of the show are “If you attack me, I’ll attack you right back.” This is a slight deviation to her quote on Real Housewives of New Jersey, when she said, “You wanna fuck wit me? I’ll fuck right back witchu, bitch.” Guess she wanted to class herself up for prime-time TV? Also she calls herself a “fiesty Italian.” Did anyone know she was Italian? And of course she suggests an Italian team name. Does her world not extend past Real Housewives?
• What is with the band playing as Donald walks out? Was this his idea? The empty auditorium behind the contestants really freaks me out when the music starts playing.
• I was so excited to see that Victoria Gotti was a contestant! I have been entranced by her since the Growing Up Gotti days, and even locked eyes with her son, Carmine Agnello, at a bar one fateful evening. But how dare she use her Apprentice time for personal calls?!
• Ok, I’m already confused. Man vs. woman? Doesn’t he mean “men versus women?” Also, aren’t they all competing independently? Also, what qualifications do these contestants have to have? What is the premise of the show?!
• The scrolling NYC landscape views seem a little dated. Was anyone else conjuring up images of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York?
• Paul Teutul, Sr. seems like a bonafide bad ass, and I want to know more. In a world of suits, he who rocks a jean-on-jean ensemble is king.
• Dee Snider – I’m just not sure that’s a good look for you. Also, fuck you very much for making that movie Strangeland, which I inadvertently watched in middle school and which left me with a fear of needles ever since.
• Victoria Gotti looks all around pissed off all the time, without contributing any ideas.
• Bahaha, Aubrey O’Day is pissed of that no one considers her a recognizable face, despite having the most Twitter followers of anyone in the group. Girl, I saw you open for a concert, and I still had to Google your ass. Someone needs to get her ego in check; has she seen her hair in natural sunlight?
• With a baseball hat on, Cheryl Tiegs could easily be your average Walmart-frequenting Midwestern mom.
• George Takei is 74 years old, so let’s just cut him some slack, ok? He’s moving quicker than my 20-year-old something cohorts would, anyway. Or maybe just me. And his admiration of Lou Ferrigno’s body was hilarious!
• Wyclef Jean is so sweet for showing up, as is my boy, Andy Cohen.
• I seriously felt like crying when George Takei talked about his life growing up in internment camps and I appreciated Donald noting George’s positive effect on the gay rights movement.
• Ok, I’m getting bored. Dispense with the meticulous examination of the competition! If someone doesn’t flip a table or call someone an alcoholic soon, I’m gonna really lose it! Donald is like a gossiping high-school girl wanting every detail.
• I see now… whichever team loses has to kick someone off. Thank God it’s not my George! Cheryl seemed like a sweet gal, but didn’t seem to have the cut-throat energy needed for the competition. All I have to say is these bitches better bring it next week…

(Photo via On The Red Carpet)